Tubby Custard and Blood
by e.clair.096
Summary: Tinky-Winky, Dipsy, Lala and Po take an interest in the affairs of the Cullen family — and one outsider, somewhere between family friend and stalker pedophile, who has a slight problem they'd like to help him with...


AN: This is something I wrote a long time ago when I was in kind of an inspired mood, which is the nice way to say it, and I thought I'd upload it here to see what other people think. Please review!

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It was a sunny day and the sun was shining on Forks, Washington, a very rare event. Jacob Black was hiding in the woods, watching Bella and Edward Cullen in the front yard of the Cullen mansion. They were talking quietly and laughing while their one-year-old girl Renesmee wandered around the yard.

_My Nessie,_ Jacob thought. _She is the only happiness in my life. Bella used to matter to me, but now she's a vampire and she and her bloodsucker husband are in the way. I need to get rid of them._ Renesmee noticed him in the forest and smiled.

Meanwhile, in the pristine green hills of Tubbyland, the teletubbies deliberated. They, too, were watching the sun shine on Forks as the scene was displayed on Po's television screen. They saw Renesmee running across the lawn and Jacob watching dangerously from the woods. The clip ended with a shot of Bella and Edward leaning into each other and laughing.

"The teletubbies watched the sparkling vampires and the angry werewolf," the _Teletubbies_ narrator pointed out helpfully.

"Vampires and werewolves!" Lala exclaimed. The teletubbies looked around at each other and squealed excitedly.

"The teletubbies decided to call Jacob," the narrator announced as Tinky-Winky produced a telephone out of nowhere. There were several ringing sound effects before a click on the other side of the line.

"Hello?" Jacob said.

"Eh-oh!" Tinky-Winky said loudly.

Jacob hesitated. "I'm kind of busy," he said slowly.

"Teletubbies help with Jacob's problem," Tinky-Winky said.

"What problem?" Jacob said nervously.

"The bloodsucker child. The teletubbies can take care of her parents for you and she will be free," the narrator explained.

There was an extended silence. Then, "What do you want me to do?"

"Tubby custard expensive," Tinky-Winky said vaguely.

Jacob hung up immediately.

In Forks, Bella and Edward Cullen sat on the highest branches of an old oak in the forest. The dark night was full of darkness and the full moon was full. They looked into each other's golden eyes and saw a lifetime of love in their golden eyes. They knew they would be in love for a lifetime.

"Do you ever wonder what life will be like a thousand years from now?" Bella whispered. Her voice was very quiet.

The full moon shone on Edward's perfect face. "No," he said softly. "I know no matter what I'll be with you," he said softly. Bella felt tears sting in the corners of her eyes. She knew he wasn't lying.

Meanwhile, in the pristine green hills of Tubbyland, Tinky-Winky, Dipsy, Lala, and Po looked up from their various meaningless tasks to see the pinwheel spinning and sparkling. They all clapped their hands over their mouths and looked at the camera. "Uh-oh!" They exclaimed in adorable unison before fleeing over the hills.

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Early that morning at the Cullen mansion, Alice awoke Bella and Edward suddenly with a terrible shriek. "Wake up, everyone!" she shrieked. "Jasper's killed himself!"

Everyone leapt out of their respective beds even though it was very early in the morning and ran to Jasper's room to see what had happened, forgetting that Alice could see the future and was likely very tired and confused. When the door was opened and everyone rushed inside to see what had happened, they found Jasper sitting on the edge of his bed, rubbing his red-rimmed eyes and looking around, apparently expecting to see his own dead body lying on the floor somewhere.

"Well," Jasper said finally, "It's true that I was planning to hang myself later this afternoon, but since this happened I guess I'll wait another week or so, and it wouldn't have worked anyway since I don't need to breathe."

"A pity," the narrator said sorrowfully, "as you are one of the most pointless characters in the history of literature and it would remove a great deal of unnecessary plot such as this if you were omitted from the story."

The Cullens looked around in annoyance while Lala and Po giggled and performed their secret handshake.

"Lala and Po did their secret handshake," the narrator announced.

"Rosalie!" Edward said suddenly. Rosalie rolled her eyes.

"What is it, Edward darling?" Bella asked.

"Nothing, Bella darling," Edward answered. "I don't want you to be troubled by Rosalie's bad disposition."

"Disposition?" The narrator interjected. "That's a big word for a Stephenie Meyer character, isn't it?"

"Whoever that is," Rosalie replied, looking around for the narrator, who was a narrator and not really visible, "I hope they get cancer," she said.

"That would be delightful," Carlisle commented, entirely missing the point. "I could turn them into a vampire. The more, the merrier."

"I think I'll go drive my car off a cliff for the hell of it," Emmett said for no apparent reason.

"You should wear the yellow dress, Bella," Alice advised. "It compliments your eyes," she advised.

"Okay, I'll keep that in mind," Bella responded.

From the sidelines, Renesmee wondered what she had done in her past life to deserve this kind of family, Renesmee wondered from the sidelines.

Later in the day Renesmee went to meet Jacob in a real sketchy place downtown. He had called her last night and said he wanted to talk about something, and she thought she knew what. Everyone was surprised to see Renesmee there. In fact, Renesmee was the kind of person who had a very surprising effect when she entered a room. At one year old she had the body of a twelve-year-old and the mind of an eighty-nine-year-old —

"Although it is worth noting," the narrator began, rudely interrupting the writer, "That as this is affected by Cullen immaturity she is quite the average ungratefully sarcastic teenage daughter."

After they had their drinks, a beer for Jacob and a pink lemonade with a paper umbrella and a curly straw for Renesmee, they began to talk.

Jacob asked, "are you hungry?" Jacob asked. Renesmee shook her head and showed him an image of her feeding on a bear the day before.

He shrugged. "So, I was going to see if I could get you to let me kill your parents," he said, grinning a charming grin.

Renesmee frowned.

"I'll get you the new iPhone," he offered hopefully.

She nodded immediately.

"Do you think we can live in Tubbyland while we're hiding from the rest of your family?" He asked.

She frowned again and sent him an image of "where's Tubbyland?"

He shrugged. "Aw, forget it," he said, and emptied his beer bottle. Looking up to see her mutilating her curly straw with her sharp teeth, he grabbed her hand and they left the sketchy place.

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Edward and Bella were lying unsuspectingly on the lawn, giggling conversationally and not suspecting anything, when Tinky-Winky, Dipsy, Lala, and Po rode in on Po's scooter, wearing war paint in the style of ancient teletubby warriors.

"The teletubbies prepared to attack the sparkling vampires," the narrator reported.

"EH-OH!" they screamed in the most adorable war cry ever to reach undead ears.

Edward stood. "Stay there, Bella!" he said. "I'll protect you, Bella, stay there!" he said.

The teletubbies on their scooter ran into him, knocking him down. Noo-Noo, thinking shockingly fast for a vacuum cleaner with googly eyes, sucked off Edward's perfect face. Edward died immediately, unable to live without his perfect face.

"Edward!" Bella screamed. "Edward!" Bella screamed. "Edward!" Bella screamed. She was afraid and petrified with fear, so she couldn't move.

The four teletubbies looked down at Edward's body. "Mmmm, vampire brains!" they all cried in unison.

"Tubby custard?" Lala asked hopefully.

"Tubby custard!" Tinky-Winky confirmed, producing a bowl of tubby custard and four spoons from his purse. They dumped the bowl on Edward's face and began to eat.

"The teletubbies ate the sparkling vampire," the narrator declared.

"Edward!" Bella screamed. Lala, getting annoyed, threw her ball at Bella, which knocked her down. She continued to stare at Edward. "Edward!" she screamed.

Po, getting more annoyed than Lala, produced an Uzi from a hidden compartment in her scooter and shot ten bullets made from long words and clever plot devices into Bella's stomach. Bella keeled over in sheer confusion, her last words confused and quiet. "How does a teletubby get a submachine gun?" She said, quiet and confused, before dying.

"Thank Author, they're dead!" The narrator cried.

"Yay!" All the teletubbies reiterated.

"Call in the Spanish Inquisition!" the narrator said joyously.

"I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition," a foolish reader mused.

"NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" the leader of the Monty Python rendition of the Spanish Inquisition shouted. "Amongst our weaponry —"

A scream came from the forest and suddenly Ronald Weasley burst out of the woods. "There's a spider in the woods!" he cried.

A trail of munchkins came marching from around the house. "Ding, dong, the witch is dead..." They sang.

"I'm a terrible role model and have no people skills," Maximum Ride sobbed, folding and unfolding her wings miserably.

"It burns!" Sméagol screamed, his fingers in his ears. "It burns us! It freezes!"

"I hope the writer is keeping track of all of this," the narrator said, amused.

Suddenly Renesmee and Jacob ran onto the lawn. "Are they dead?" Jacob asked, then, seeing the mutilated bodies, cheered. "Nothing can keep us apart now, my darling."

"You don't know the power of the dark side," Emperor Palpatine replied ominously.

Just then Alice came skipping down from the house. "Bella dear!" She cried. "Edward dear! I've just managed to convince everyone except Rosalie to come with me to paint smiley faces all over the jail. Would you—" She stopped, seeing the mess that the backyard had become.

"I can explain," Jacob said hastily, hiding Renesmee uselessly behind his back.

Alice, spying Bella's body, began to tear up when Dipsy hastily handed her his hat. She took it and examined it thoughtfully, then put it on her head. "I've heard cow print is in this season," She said, astonishingly cheerful, and skipped away again.

"Dipsy diverted the stupid vampire," the narrator stated.

There was a long and awkward silence.

"Well," the writer said finally, "Everyone should go home now before your authors realize you're missing. Make sure Gollum doesn't try to strangle anyone, and someone please clean up the corpses." Everyone shuffled their feet and looked around at the gathering crowd of miscellaneous characters while the munchkins, the only characters obeying instructions, marched off, singing "follow the yellow brick road, follow the yellow brick road..."


End file.
